- Great sandwich, Mom. - Oh, yeah.
We should all be grateful to late Aunt Stumpy...
...for leaving us her refrigerator full of food.
Well, she didn't exactly leave it to us. I mean...
...we took it off the back porch while everyone else was at the funeral.
Shouldn't we tell Dad about the fridge?
Oh, no. I'm sure he made out fine.
It was an open casket. He probably got the watch.
Well, refrigerator's hidden in the garage. Dad will never know it's there.
It's concealed so well, even a clever man wouldn't be able to find it.
I hate those complaint boxes they put in at the mall.
A woman comes in the store...
...so huge she's protected by Greenpeace...
...and asked for a size-four shoe.
So I ask her if she wants to eat them there or take them home.
And she has the nerve to complain about my performance.
Honey, I complain about your performance all the time...
...and you don't care.
Sometimes, you don't even wake up.
Unlike sex with you, this is important to me.
The mall manager is threatening to take away the only joy I have at work.
They're shutting off the plumbing?
The other joy. They're threatening to take away my parking space.
The one that's closer than the others, because I've been there the longest.
Oh, so you'll have to walk an extra half mile. It won't kill you.
Oh, no, Peg, it won't kill me.
That's your job.
But I earned that parking spot. It's mine.
I started at the end of the lot by the street...
...where it helps to speak Spanish...
...and 10 years later, or should I say diez aņos...
...they finally put my name on the best spot.
"Al Budny."
I was so happy. But now if I insult one more woman...
...before the end of the month they'll take my spot.
Maybe you should just call in sick for the next 27 days.
Oh, no, no, no. We can't afford that.
Then they'd dock his pay...
...and we'd be out hundreds and hundreds of loose change.
Loose change.
Well, all I know is I am not giving up my parking space without a fight.
Anyone can go three weeks not insulting a woman.
Betcha $5 you can't.
I will take that bet, you bonbon-binging bozo!
Mr. Bundy, since you lose your parking spot if you get one more complaint...
...maybe I should take care of some of our women customers today.
It's not necessary, Aaron.
I've decided to be nice to women for the next three weeks.
And no one on God's foul earth...
...will come between me and my slab of tar.
Don't you have anything else to do?
- All right. - Hi, Al.
Peggy told me about your little complaint problem.
- No problem. I'm still under my quota. - Oh, well, that's very good.
Of course, I don't see any customers here yet.
Nope.
No one here but us chickens.
Actually, I was just on my way back from the supermarket.
It seems I was all out of eggs.
Some of the girls will stop by later...
...for what I guess you could call a hen party.
Oh, come on, Al. You know you can't keep this up all month.
Eventually, some poor, calorically challenged woman...
...is gonna come through those doors and you're gonna insult her...
...because you don't know the first thing...
...about politically correct behaviour.
What does that have to do with obnoxious fat women?
Today's obese woman simply feels that it's her right to be heavy...
...and does not want to be insulted.
So when some moo-cow thunders in here...
...with a pie under each chin...
...I shouldn't ask if that's the Star-Spangled Banner she's belching...
...so I know whether to sit or stand?
All I'm saying...
Oh, ye of little deodorant.
- Is that you must learn to treat all people the same.
- Everyone? - Everyone.
Even midgets?
Everyone, you wienerhead.
Now, I would really love to stay and see you go down for the third time...
...but I have to get home.
I promised Jefferson...
...I'd cook him a fryer for a dinner.
I so wanted it to be me.
- That was close. - Yeah.
Oh, no, I'll take care of this one.
Go in the back room and do whatever it is you do back there for hours on end.
- It's called inventory. - You call it whatever you want to.
Excuse me, madam. How may I serve you?
- Do have this in an eight AA? - Well, let me check.
Oh, well, you'll have to hurry. I don't have much time.
Excuse me, Miss.
Are you sitting on someone?
- What? - Oh, oh, no, I'm sorry. Excuse me.
How may I serve you?
How do you think this would look on me?
I wear a size four.
I have tiny toes, don't you think?
Oh, yes indeed.
For sausages.
Sausages. Sausages. Sausages. Sausages.
Now, before we get to the main topic of tonight's meeting...
...which is why can't a man speak his mind without losing his parking space?
Yeah. That's right.
We'll hear the minutes of our last meeting.
- Jefferson. - Thank you.
The meeting was called to order at 8:00.
We discussed the pros and cons of the single urinal versus the trough.
At 8: 15 we voted on whether or not we'd rather do...
...Ann-Margret or Alan Arkin.
That should be Ellen Barkin.
Damn. Dad's in the garage with a bunch of his friends.
How are we supposed to get to our refrigerator?
- Are they all men? - Yeah.
No problem.
There are several genetic flaws in all men...
...that can be acted on for reasons of distraction.
I shall demonstrate the strangest one.
I'm sorry. I didn't know you guys were in here.
Oh, look.
A football.
Oh, well, come on. We have important business to discuss.
Now...
Now, as you know...
...I lost my beloved parking space just because I chose to speak my mind.
- Yeah. - That's wrong.
Why today, you're supposed to write to the Organization of Bald People...
...to ask if we can call them chrome-domes.
- Yeah. - They're bald.
Then you're supposed to fax the Fatso Society...
...and ask permission to assign zip codes to each thigh.
Ridiculous.
Excuse me.
Dad, I just thought you guys might wanna see this paper airplane I made.
Son, we've all seen a paper airplane before.
Made out of Miss January?
Hey! Hey! Hey, Roger.
This looks like your wife.
- You think so? - Oh, I'm sorry.
No, I was looking at this picture of Dick Butkus on the back.
Come on, guys, we're in a meeting here.
He's right. We've got work to do.
Now...
What we need to do...
...is to find someone who can tell us...
...how to fight this insanity. - That's right.
- We need a man's man. - Right.
Someone who's always called his own shots.
A leader to lead us through the '90s.
A man among men.
Ironhead Haynes!
Who's Ironhead Haynes?
The gruffest, toughest man to ever graduate from Polk High.
He had a beard in the seventh grade.
And a wife.
Took out his own appendix with a Pocket Fisherman.
He'd have been a great football player for Polk High...
...but he refused to take off his spurs.
He wore boots to play football?
No boots, just spurs.
Well, you know, they can't all be football stars like we were.
Or cheerleaders, like I was.
Hey, I did some very dangerous flips.
And I...
I helped fire the cannon after each touchdown.
- Yeah? - Was that you?
Well, where can we find this Ironhead Haynes?
Rumour has it he lives alone...
...on top of the highest mountain in Illinois.
Well, then we'll go tomorrow...
...and seek his guidance. - Good idea.
Al, I need someone to move the clothes dryer away from the wall!
- Coming, dear. - Okay, we're out of here.
Hey, wait a second.
We don't have any clothes dryer!
Did I say clothes dryer?
I meant, "Take out the trash."
Hey, wait.
Look, how do we know that Ironhead Haynes is even up there?
Yeah. This legend could just be made-up.
That's true, Al.
He could be as phoney as your wife's hair colour.
Or as real as your wife's hair colour, Roger.
I know it's real because it matches her moustache!
Okay, okay, come on, come on!
Look, guys...
...are we going on or not?
Of course we're going on. Name me one good reason why we shouldn't.
- Well, I'm going on! - Yeah, well, I'm...
Staying here.
- We'll see you when you get back. - Yeah, have a nice trip.
Thank you...
...candy-asses.
Oh, well, I don't know about you guys, but I'm no candy-ass.
Well, think we'll ever see him again?
It's hard to say.
This mountain has killed before.
It could kill again.
- Trail mix, anyone? - Yeah.
Raisins are mine.
- Well, you must be Ironhead Haynes. - Yep. And you must be some idiot...
...that don't know there's a road on the other side of this mountain.
Al Bundy. Polk High.
And I brought you some gifts.
Me and my buddies wanted to give you a token of our esteem.
In here I got some Beer Nuts...
...and there's a tire gauge.
And here's the football that I scored my first touchdown with at Polk High.
So go on, go out.
Ready?
- Not my game. - Well, then...
...the Beer Nuts can be from me.
Oh, and here's something here...
...Jefferson didn't know what to get you so...
...he got you a silk shirt, you know.
I've never had one of these before.
It's not bad.
Now, what can I do for you?
Well, Ironhead...
...things have gotten pretty rough for us freethinkers back in civilization.
Old people getting mad at you if you call them old.
Foreign people getting mad at you if you tell them to go home.
You'd be surprised. The slightest thing will set a gimp off these days.
I suppose that's why you moved up here, isn't it?
No, I moved up here to get in touch with my feminine side.
I'm kidding. I'm just teasing.
Well, unfortunately, many can't move to a mountain...
...because they're married to one.
But we need your wisdom to help guide up through our daily hell.
Tell us what you believe.
Well, I believe that when you gotta spit, you gotta spit.
And right now I gotta spit.
Oh, this is good stuff.
And I believe that everybody's that got more money...
...than they can hold in both hands ought to give it all to me.
I believe that all animals were put on this earth to make faces at me.
I really believe that that damn doctor didn't have to put this plate in my head.
Well...
...doctor knows best.
But tell us, what can we do to fight back?
Well, I don't know, maybe this song will say it the best.
Nothing
That...
That's it? That's the message?
That's it. You know, men like us are dinosaurs.
Real, live, dead dinosaurs.
Listen, I got buddies down here waiting for you to give us a plan of action.
My football.
I can't just tell them it's all over.
That life as we know it is gone.
And we'll never be like this again.
Well, if it isn't Mr. Sunshine.
The only problem with being a dinosaur is there ain't no future in it.
But there is one hell of a past.
Now, what you need to do this act like the mighty tyrannosaurus...
...and leave deep prints.
Leave deep prints.
That's it. Let them know that you've been there.
I got it!
But wait a second. What if my buddies don't believe that I met you?
Is there something here that you can give me to prove that we met?
Well, how about that sack of flour?
Well, anything without mealy bugs in it?
I guess that leaves my beard out.
All I got left now is this guitar...
...that my dearly beloved, departed grandmother left me.
And my Victoria's Secret catalogue.
Here, I can't give up my sunshine.
Well, thank you, Ironhead.
And I'll see to it that your legend lives on.
You're still my idol because you're afraid of nothing.
Well, now, that's not necessarily true.
I'm deathly afraid of magnets.
If a big one was to roll by here right now, my head is history.
I suggest that you get on back down that mountain in a hurry.
Why? Is it gonna rain?
No, but I do feel another spit coming on.
You think something horrible's happened to Al?
Why would you say such a terrible thing?
Well, because if he's dead, we could eat his croissant.
- He's dead. - He's dead.
Don't eat the croissant!
Al, is that you?
It is I.
I have come from Ironhead Haynes...
...with words for hardworking people...
...who don't give a rat's ass about political correctness.
Rule number one:
It's okay to call hooters "knockers" and sometimes "snack trays."
Rule two: It is wrong to be French.
Rule three: It is okay to put all bad people in a giant meat grinder.
Rule four: Lawyers, see rule three.
It is okay to drive a gas guzzler if it helps you get babes.
Everyone should car pool except me.
Bring back the word "stewardesses."
Synchronized swimming is not a sport.
Mud wrestling is a sport.
Those are your 10 commandments.
But, Al, that's only nine.
Those are you nine commandments.
Well, I can live with that.
I say we all go back and spread the word.
And help Al get what appears to be flour out of his hair.
It's stupid to start back now.
It'll be pitch-black before we reach the bottom.
If we're gonna stay here we'd better keep this fire going.
Now, does anybody have something we can throw on the fire?
All I have is my Victoria's Secret catalogue.
- Yeah, me too. - Me too.
Well, then all we have is these...
...or these sacred commandments.
Yeah. Give me that back.
Sinners, blasphemers, heathens, sinners...
...hooters. Hooters.